Sunday, October 18, 2009

Admitting my Faults

This week Daughter and I had a big, fat disagreement. It happened in public. I had invited her out for lunch, because I had a day off, and the time would finally work.

Right off the bat we were snippy at each other. It wasn't fun. Instantly I was so mad. We know how to push each other's buttons... in the past we have sat in restaurants going ahead with the meal but steaming at each other the whole time. I didn't want to do that again, so I LEFT after having had only a Diet Coke. I left her sitting there with her unopened birthday presents... alone.
What kind of a mom does that??

I came home and watched Dr. Phil. He was talking about problem relationships and said his usual.. I've heard this before... "someone in this relationship needs to be the hero." Meaning, drop the crap and step up and be a nice person so you can heal the rift and get back to loving each other. Someone has to take the first step.

As a mom I should have done that.

I've been feeling like crap ever since.

Daughter and I love each other, but we have a history of wild ups and downs. We need to be adults. It's so hard to do when one is mad and feelings are hurt, and there is a liftetime of history behind it all. Easy to listen to Dr. Phil say "someone needs to be the hero" and to think about the people on his show "yeah, why don't they just stop arguing?!" In one's own personal life it is way harder.

I've been trying to call and text message Daughter. All she said was, she needs time to "get over it." Which means she is still hurt and mad. I'm just sad and feeling like crap.

I put this prayer ("help!") in God's in-box. So far I still feel like crap.

Now you know what a horrible mom I am. I've bared my soul. Not very pretty, is it?!

happier times in another restaurant


Julie Sharer said...

Awww, thanks for sharing this tough situation, Carol. It's so hard when we hurt or are hury by those we love so deeply. Remember that we are humans with many flaws. But we also have this huge capacity to love and forgive. I, personally, have a hard time forgiving, but my desire to live without conflict is the one thing that helps me get over the pain. I hope you and your dd will soon be able to find resolution and peace. You are NOT a horrible Mom; just a hurting Mom with an enormous capacity to love. Hugs.

Lisa said...

Mother, daughter relationships are so hard. Even as adults. :) Keep calling....this too shall pass.
Sending you a hug!

AnnieO said...

Oh, dear, I feel your hurt. Being an adult is harder than it looks! I hope you come to an understanding with your daughter and return to neutral about your disagreement. Forgiving is easier than forgetting, isn't it? I guess that is the real "hero" part.

Anonymous said...

My mom and I don't get along very well either. I wish we did and I think we both have the best of intentions but when we get together there is so much friction. The important thing is that you both try and apologize when things get too heated...and time apart is not a bad thing because if you force it and are anything like me and my mom, things just get worse. It has taken a long time but I think we have both recognized that we will simply never be BFF's. It makes me kind of sad...because I have the relationship with my MIL that I always wanted with my mom...maybe someday things will change and we will sync up. We'll just keep on gently trying.

The thing is...she is not a bad mom and neither are you. We just can't figure out how to talk to each other without pissing each other off and that doesn't make us bad people. She is an amazing person, like you, who loves to do things for other people and rally people together for a cause and I respect her so much for all that she has done. But it doesn't make us get along any better.

There's a book for ya :)

CarlaHR said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that this happened and I really hope that you are able to come to an agreement (even if it is to disagree). I'm sure that you are not a terrible mom - perhaps you and your daughter are too much alike (???) and know exactly which strings to pull for a situation like this to occur even if you don't want it to happen. I don't have children of my own but do have a lovely step daughter and we are fortunate that we get along very well - I did hurt her once by criticizing the career choice of one of her sons and vowed never to interfere again

Twisted Quilts said...

You are very brave for telling what happened between you and your daughter. I had two sons and then my daughter was born. I was so thrilled to have a little girl. She has been a joy but so many times we have had situations just like yours. I can remember times that both of us were yelling at each other. I love her so much. Right now I am feeling really left out of her life. My mother and I have had our problems. My mother never got along with her mother. My mother is a wonderful person but she wants to be in control of my life. She isn't that way with my brother.

I didn't mean to go on and say all of this. Thanks for letting me vent. Your daughter knows you love her and she loves you.

BrendaLou said...

Awww, Carol.............((((hugs))))) Being a mom is so hard ESPECIALLY when the little ones grow up to be people! They want to be treated like grown-ups but they still want to be a little kid too! and we Moms want to be friends but somehow often can't stop being's a viscious circle, but one worth working through. I know you love your daughter very very much and I'm sure she loves you very very much also. Liz once said to me that family are the people you can have disagreements with knowing they will still love you in the end. It WILL be better again. Praying!