Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'll Never Grow Up
Sometimes it seems like I'll never grow up. I'm a Girl Peter Pan. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest of four siblings. My sibs always teased me about being spoiled, which I hated, but deep down I knew it was true. My parents were too tired to be as strict with me as they had been with the older ones. There were certain things I knew I could get if I wheedled things just so.
Plus, there is just something about me that is such a goofball kid. Still! (And I'm 57 years old.) I've never trusted myself to have any real authority. It's a good thing I didn't become a teacher, because I could never have controlled a classroom. I don't believe I have the right to demand control or to possess any authority. It's weird. This was a problem while parenting, too, as you can imagine.
After many years of feeling embarrassed about various parts of my personality, I finally figured out that I likely have some level of ADD in me. It has never been diagnosed, but I know... it's there. I'm impulsive and fidgety, and I have a hard time keeping myself organized. These have been problems my whole life.
I used to wonder why other people sitting in meetings could just sit. And pay attention. Without moving. I would wonder about it so much (while changing positions every few seconds) that I would lose track of what I was supposed to listen to in the meeting. See? Thanks, ADD.
What's really bugging me lately is that I am going to retire in June, and I still don't feel like I've grown up enough; I'm still learning about how to be a good employee and how to help myself be better organized and less silly. It's sad to think of completing an entire career without ever really figuring myself out during that whole time. When I look back, I see so many mistakes I made, or foolish things I did that a real grown-up wouldn't have done. I'm so embarrassed!
It's the curse of being the youngest, a little spoiled (I won't admit to being entirely spoiled), and just foggy enough in my thinking to make things harder than they need to be. I'm not dumb. In fact, I like that I'm pretty smart. I just can't think clearly! Like I said, weird.
In my early 50s I used to say that the 50s are the BEST decade. I was old enough to feel I had gained some wisdom, and I started being much more introspective and reflective about life. I liked how I was able to think about things! But now I'm in the last half of the 50s, and my thinking is beginning to feel more like regrets about all the things I messed up.
What do you suppose is in store for me as an immature retired person? Will I spend my days thinking about all my goof-ups? Or will I find Never-Never Land where everyone is just as un-grown-up as I am, so for once I won't be the only scatter-brained, fidgety big person?
Never-Never Land, ready or not, here I come! Apparently I'll never grow up, so here I come!