Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Physical Pain of Grief

My son got married six years ago yesterday. It was a VERY HAPPY day. I had such hopes for them. The marriage didn't last, and two years later they were divorced. For at least a year, that continued to hurt so much. I hurt (past tense) for me, and I hurt (past tense) for my son. If I try to, I can still dredge up the pain and grief, but I won't do that to myself. I'm able to think of it with a neutral heart now. But when I look at my son's life, and the girlfriends who have come and gone, I feel sad and also hopeful that ONE day he will find true, lasting love. I want that for him.

My friend, B, lost her daughter at about this same time of year. Maybe yesterday, too... It has been about 13 years for her. Her daughter, just into adulthood and motherhood, died of cancer. My friend is raising her granddaughter. There is joy in that, and pain, too. She misses her daughter; her granddaughter misses her mom. There is physical pain with grief that deep.

Motherhood is such a tough job. That from-the-heart Mom-love never ends. And because it's so deep, when there's a loss, it is also deep and hurts so much. Do you believe in the power of prayer? I do, but I'm not sure exactly what I believe about it. If I pray for my son to find love, will he find it because of that prayer, or would he have found it (or not found it) anyway, regardless of my prayer? How does that prayer help? Does it really only help me? Maybe the power of prayer is in the opening up of the heart of the person praying.

If I pray for my friend, B, to feel less pain on the anniversary of her daughter's death, will she? Or is that even an authentic prayer? Maybe I should pray for ME to open up and find ways of helping other people who grieve. I wish I could ask my dad about this... he did believe in the power of prayer, but not in easy answers like: tomorrow your pain will go away, because today I prayed for you. He died in 2002, so I can't ask him about his beliefs any more. I wish I had taken the opportunity to discuss this little bit with him.

Those are my thoughts on this hot summer day. What's on your mind?


Anonymous said...

Thoughtful thoughts. I've pondered the prayer thing myself. Also why some "get answered" and some "don't." I concluded "prayer" provided a felt connection with the person prayed for (maybe only on the person's side who was praying. I have found no substitute.

BrendaLou said...

As a mom who has lost both a 1 day old baby and a 29 year old daughter (and both my beloved parents) I know about grief and pain. I also believe in prayer. Prayer to me is communing and communicating with my all-loving, all-knowing, all-caring Father in Heaven. He weeps with me, cradles me in His arms and comforts me. He rejoices with me and even, I believe, laughs with me. Like any good earthly Father, He only wants the best for me. Sometimes what I want is actually not in my best interests at the time. Sometimes He says, "No." or "Later." Many times He says, "Yes!" I do believe He knows my future...and I certainly don't. This all sounds like platitudes, but this is what I DO believe with every fiber of my being.

Losing a child is probably the hardest thing I will ever do. And it's happened twice, 31 years apart. It still hurts sometimes, but mostly I remember the good times. The happy times, filled with delight.


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