Story #4 by Carol Egan

Heartache

I can hardly get out of bed. What did I used to do that was so much fun? I can't remember. Everything seems boring and pointless. I get up because I have to. I go to work and put on a bright face. Inside I'm dying.

Fred told me about Luke. I literally crumpled to the floor. My husband has a son! What am I supposed to feel? I feel like I should be happy for him. Should I? I just can't. All I can think of is those awful years of trying and trying to get pregnant, having multiple miscarriages and hopes dashed. My heart was broken. It took me forever to come to terms with the truth -- we were never going to have a child. I picked myself up and carried on. I got used to the idea and was even happy. Now.. out of nowhere... Fred has a son.

How could he do this to me? I know, he didn't do it TO me. But it has happened to me, and I'm mad as hell, creeped out, and so envious I can hardly think straight.

Mad: after all these years! We tried and tried. Three times we got pregnant! I was thrilled! I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I know I'd be a great mom. I love kids! The miscarriages hurt so much. The longest I went was 10 weeks into the pregnancy. Oh, I had such hopes and dreams! So now, to see that my husband has a son, conceived in their teen years. It must have been easy. No thought given to making a child. It just happened. And me? I had to try and try, take medications, measure my temperature, do it when I didn't want to other than this is how to make a baby. So yeah, I'm mad.

Also, I'm mad on Fred's behalf. How could Annette have kept this from him for 26 years? It wasn't fair to Fred and certainly not to Luke.

Creeped out: OK, we weren't virgins when we got married. I knew that. I accepted it. We both had made that choice. But to learn that his girlfriend had his child? That makes it real. I can't help but picture them together, and it makes me ill. I know it's not fair, but how can I stop the feeling?

Envious: Annette had the baby I should have had. Did she even want it? I would DIE to have Fred's baby. I wonder if Luke looked like a cute little Fred. And I wasn't the one cuddling him, kissing him, making him giggle, reading to him, and chasing him around the house. It's eating me up inside.

Fred has been very careful with me. I know he's trying his best. He can see that I'm crushed. It's hard for me to talk to him right now. Next week he's going down to Saint Paul to meet Luke. He'll have to tell Diane about Luke, too. I wonder how she will take it? She'll probably be thrilled. She can finally be a grandma. She always says she's fine and happy without any grandchildren, but if she had some..... yeah, I know it would have been a joy for her. But now Luke is 26. That will be strange for Diane, too. Suddenly she'll be the grandmother of an adult.

I have been thinking this to death, working it over and over in my mind. I don't want to hurt Fred. I want him to be happy, and I hope the meeting with Luke goes well. But right now, I'm a wreck. Luke was born on July 20. Too ironic -- that was the due date for our first baby that miscarried. I always feel blue on July 20. Not sure how I'll feel this year -- even bluer?

Today I have to get up. Get out of bed and face the day. Put on a fake smile and slog through the hours. I love you Baby Fred and Baby Karen.. the babies that were never meant to be, that I almost got to have but never did. I will always love the people you might have been.