Unscientific Assessment

 I recently went on a very long road trip, and listened to a lot of radio. I decided to concentrate on Country Western music, even though it's not something I like very much. My assessment goal was to pay attention to the words and see what they say about life.

Most of the songs were about relationships. These are the stereotypes I came away with from country music:

A woman is small, beautiful and can "please her man." She looks great in jeans and a tank top. She can also be evil and conniving, but these are only the bad women. A woman seems to make serving a man her life's desire. What happens to her own dreams and goals?

Men are rough and tumble, bad at talking about feelings, jealous, and fall in love based mainly on looks - the looks of the woman make them weak in the knees, of course. Where is his desire to see the woman soar in her own life dreams? He doesn't appear to need to offer her any support in this area. 

A person should be raised by a mama who is an excellent cook and homemaker and instills in her children a faith in God and loyalty to family.

I learned very little about dads.

Very little about real-life struggles except for occasionally romanticizing being poor (down to earth).

Nothing about same sex relationships.

Nothing about people of color - people are assumed to be white? It seems that women should be blond.

Nothing about social justice issues.

I heard ONE song with these lyrics by Kelsea Ballerini: "I miss me. I miss my dreams. I miss my wings." The woman in her song, apparently in hooking up with a man, gave up her own dreams and her independence. At least she is realizing what happened. Is he?

This made me wonder about the world view of country music listeners and about their politics. Do they really see the above descriptors as the ideal? Do they really think this describes the way the world should turn? Maybe this is one of the reasons why a certain t-man whom I shall not name rose to such power and remains as "God, Jr." in the eyes of his supporters. He epitomizes this life to them? 

The thing is, I know and love people who listen to country music. I don't believe they hold these restrictive ideals for the roles of men and women. I am wondering how people can listen to country music all day long and not get sick and tired of its sameness. And I am wondering, do people who hold limited world views gravitate to country music? Does country music help mold limited world views? Or is listening to this music completely separate from one's politics and world views?

I may have offended some readers, and for that I apologize. You may have guessed that I, for one, will never be a country music super-fan.

(I do like bluegrass which, in my opinion, does include a wider world view and more inclusive perspectives. That's as close as I come.)

Guest Blogger: When People are Dehumanized

I was trying to come up with something to say about the horrific events going on in the USA. I couldn't write anything better than my nephew did. This was his recent entry at Facebook, and he gave me his permission to share it with you here. Wisdom from my nephew, Adrian Cowles:

Reflecting today on the tragedies in Baton Rouge, Falcon Heights, and now Dallas, I'm thinking about dehumanization. These people died not because of who they were or what they did, but because of the color of their skin or the color of their uniform. In the wake of such events, the fact that we often view others monolithically is brought into focus. We think we know people because of one characteristic. We think we know them because they're black; they're white; they're a cop; they're a parolee; they're a Christian; they're a Muslim; they're a Democrat; they're a Republican; they're straight and cisgendered; they're a member of the Queer community; the list goes on. We have become enemies. Members of the police and the black community view each other as enemies. Democrats and Republicans are enemies. I don't see how anything can change without a shift in these paradigms.

I'm sure we've all seen a lot of things we disagree with on social media these past few days. Things that may make us want to scream, unfollow, or unfriend. Sometimes this may be necessary, but I wish that more often we'd try to talk to and understand each other instead of cutting ties. How else can any of us grow and learn? Part of that goes back to my problem with social media. I think it's far from the ideal venue for such conversations. But these are important conversations and they must be had. That's easier said than done, and if you're at all conflict averse like me, it can be a daunting prospect, but having that dialogue is essential. Many exhortations have been made that we must not remain silent. However, speaking up doesn't do any good if it's only with people who agree with us.

To directly address what happened in Dallas, it is a horrific tragedy and a senseless waste of life. But here's the difference between what happened in Dallas and what happened in Baton Rouge and Falcon Heights. The perpetrator in Dallas is dead. His death cannot bring anyone back but there's been a clear recognition that what he did was wrong and punishment has been delivered.

If historical precedence tells us anything, neither officer who shot and killed Alton Sterling and Philando Castile will be punished at all. This is a pattern we've seen over and over and it's a systemic problem. That is why black lives matter exists. Because time and time again when the final verdict is read (if it even gets that far), the message that the black community receives is "your lives don't matter."

I have to believe that listening to each other and behaving compassionately can begin to change things. You can call me idealistic. Or worse names if you so choose. But I know hatred and violence only begets more hatred and violence, and I for one want to try to go another way, individually and societally.

pictures from a rally in Minnesota ... the young man who was killed in a suburb of St. Paul was an employee of St. Paul Schools and well liked by the children at his school. The other photo is his sister. Photos by Rubin Latz.

Christmas is Coming!

Last night our daughter invited us to her house for Christmas Eve.. I was thrilled, because I thought we were hosting, and hosting gives me big stress moments. Now I get to have a stress-free Christmas! Hooray! We'll be attending another celebration on Christmas Day, so I'm not hosting that, either.

I realized recently that I haven't been very chatty here at my blog lately. I can't even remember what I would normally have chatted with you about! I have been making a couple of Christmas gifts, so I can't show them to you yet. I have had some fun times sewing with friends, keeping myself busy and out of trouble with tasks at church, reading, helping out a friend in need, and occasionally working.

Why haven't you been chatting with us, Carol?? We've missed you!

We have no snow on the ground, and it has been unseasonably warm here in Minnesota. I actually envy the people who have received some beautiful Christmas snow, but... must admit that life is much easier without it! I could get used to this winter ease. I'm still wearing my fall jacket that is not quite tough enough for the super cold temperatures, and is lightweight enough to feel comfy and no big bulk while sitting in the car. I have only had to wear boots one day. I have not shoveled one flake of snow. Driving has been a breeze. Is this why people become snow birds?? I may have to give that some thought.

I have been thinking a lot about people who are in need. How easy it is for us who are blessed to forget what life is like for them. This year I bought a gift card as a Christmas gift, and the clerk who sold it to me was awed at the amount I put on the card. She got all dreamy about what she could do if anyone gave her a gift card holding that amount. I almost feel like getting another one and delivering it to her anonymously.

And another person, the friend in need I mentioned above, is pregnant and homeless. I have been helping her find housing, and trying to help her get re-connected with services that can help her. Believe me, that is not easy. All the rules and the ins and outs can be so confusing. A person needs an advocate to wade through all that stuff. I'm feeling extra empathetic for all the homeless people out there who have no one really watching out for them. How lonely and hopeless that must feel.

So in this happy Christmas season, let's all vow to be aware of those around us and remember to share our bounty. Even a small gift can make a big difference: a cup of hot chocolate for the bell-ringer, a bus card for someone who has a hard time getting around on low income, a ride to a doctor appointment, a gift of your time and friendship if you don't have money to share.

Merry Christmas to all!

Memory Moments

Recently while cleaning out a cupboard I came across a box of letters I had sent home between 1974 to about 1989. I decided to get rid of most of them, but, of course, I had to at least glance through them to see what I wrote about back then. Those were the years of early marriage and then having our two kids. That was interesting and fun to read about. I gushed about our cute kids.

Christmas 1986
Christmas 2013

A couple of things gave me a little jolt of surprise at how much I had forgotten. One was an incident at work in those days before we had kids. I was in the clerical pool, and I do remember one day my boss called me into his office and talked to me about a possible new professional position they were hoping to open up; he thought I might be good for the job. I remember being shocked and flattered. But I also remember being young, awkward, and stupid. In my memory I stammered around and pretty much said nothing and the whole matter was dropped. But as I read these old letters I saw that the process went on for quite a long time. My boss kept working on getting the new position approved; people kept talking to me about the position and saying that my boss had said for a long time that I could "do more than secretary." Man, I don't remember any of that!! I don't know if they ever created that new position. I quit that job before it ever came to fruition, because I had set my sights on a different career path, which I am very glad I did.

It came as a relief to me that I maybe didn't come off quite as bumbling and awkward as I remember myself. Apparently my boss didn't give up after that first conversation, which is how I had remembered it. Whew! Maybe I was able to cover up my "young girl nerves" better than I remembered. I was in my early 20s and doing a lot of growing up while on that job. I'm glad they didn't see me as a total idiot.

There was another position I filled of which I have ZERO memory. That is a very strange feeling. Apparently I was on the board of a local non-profit agency. The term was for 3 years. I have no idea if I stayed in that board position for the full three years. I don't remember even one day of it! It was weird to read about some of the stuff I reported regarding that board position. Now-days I would never accept such an offer - being on a non-profit board is much more work and responsibility than I would want to take on; I also don't think I have the skills those boards need. Maybe they just needed a warm body back then.

How about you? Do you think your memories of your early years are correct and reliable? I did! But now I am really second-guessing myself. Maybe I've twisted ALL my memories! It makes me wonder how accurate we all are... what about memoirs people write. How accurate are they??

Oh -- I need to reassure you (in case you wondered) that I have saved a few of the letters in which I talk about my new babies and my toddlers and the cute things they did. They are both adults now, and I thought they might get a kick out of reading those letters.

Life: Aging and Death

I know my post title is very somber today. Well, sometimes life is difficult and one must sit back and ponder. Last week my mom went back into the hospital. She was in awful shape. She has congestive heart failure and was experiencing a bad bout - lots of fluid build-up and extreme weakness/fatigue along with shortness of breath. In the hospital they were able to help her get back to pretty good condition. She was pink-cheeked and spunky again by the time she was released. Now her challenge is to maintain this level of health so that she doesn't have another scary time like that one.

This little scare reminded me that she is mortal. Sounds crazy, but it was a jolt to be reminded that she won't be with us forever. At one point I looked at her in her hospital bed, and she looked so vulnerable. My mom is tough and strong. I have never thought of her as vulnerable. That was a bit of a shock.

The hospital and my sister were going to communicate with Mom's assisted living facility and ask for a few more services, to help keep my mom on a more even keel. We have our fingers crossed.

My mom is 93. Love!

Oh.. amidst the scariness, I was in town just in time to attend a concert. The town has an annual music festival which brings in professional musicians from various symphonies and orchestras around the country and world. Fabulous concert... and there was a lovely, cool evening with a pretty sunset.

In more bad news, last week there was a horrible event in my town. A police officer was shot to death during a routine traffic stop. He didn't even get as far as up to the car to chat with the driver. The driver just pulled out a gun and shot him in the head. The officer was 47 years old and leaves behind a wife and two teen-age kids. Our town is heart-broken. It's a small, quiet suburb with a small police force. The town has shown wonderful support to the family. Today was the funeral. The procession from the church to the cemetery went right through my neighborhood, so I joined the vigil. It was very emotional. Police from everywhere came to join the procession. I saw cars from all over Minnesota, of course, and from North Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin and even Canada. Very moving. The hearse went by, followed by the family. The two teenagers were waving out the window, signing "I love you" which I signed back.

My childhood friend was with me during the procession. Her father died when she was 12. She felt a kinship with these teens who are now without a father. May his children heal and grow with love despite their trauma and loss.

Before the event started, some on-duty police handed out stickers to kids in our group:

quiet. respectful. emotional.

Peace and Love to all.

The Proust Questionnaire

Over at the blog, A Majority of Two (see link in my sidebar), Jo shares with us her answers to the Proust Questionnaire. I had never heard of this questionnaire before, but I thought it would be fun to give it a shot. Some of these answers are a bit personal. The bad things I've revealed about myself are things that I am working on. After you read this, I trust that you will still like me! Here goes:

What is your greatest fear?
being rejected

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Jane Addams

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
the tendency to judge

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
know-it-all

What is your greatest extravagance?
spending money on gifts.. for people I know and people I don't know.

What is your favorite journey?
a road trip to anywhere with my husband; hopefully to include a state and/or national park

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
conformity

On what occasion do you lie?
to avoid conflict

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
weight

Which living person do you most despise?
Honestly, I try not to hate anyone, but George W. Bush would be close to the top of my list.

What is your greatest regret?
parenting mistakes

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
my wonderful husband

When and where were you happiest?
my current life situation

Which talent would you most like to have?
ability to draw well using pen and ink

What is your current state of mind?
happy

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
be a better listener

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
my generosity

What is your most treasured possession?
quilts

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
being completely alone

Where would you like to live?
Pacific Northwest

If not yourself, who would you be?
Kate DiCamillo

What is your most marked characteristic?
silliness

What do you most value in your friends?
intelligence

Who are your favorite writers?
Barbara Kingsolver, Kent Nerburn, Michael Dorris

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Scout (To Kill a Mockingbird)

Who are your heroes in real life?
Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dr. Kelley J. (friend), Voua X. (former student)

What is it that you most dislike?
stupidity

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
wind

How would you like to die?
pain-free

What is your motto?
Love is the answer to everything.

I'm Thankful For...

What did I tell you? I tried to resume posting a gratitudes list, and after one posting, I already forgot!!

Therefore I decided to do a post that is just the gratitudes list, so it won't be forgotten when I get to the end of whatever-else-is-on-my-mind.

I'm thankful for:

1. the book group I joined online

2. superb workshop offered at work this week. Great instructor and fun co-learners.

3. sister and brother-in-law married 41 years as of yesterday.

4. carrots in Ranch dip.

5. the joy of seeing sad friends be refreshed with new happiness

Am I as Stupid as a Fly?

You know that saying, I wish I were a fly on the wall so I could see what's happening at XYZ? If I were a fly, I would be utterly stupid and would not comprehend what was going on.

I have a skylight above my computer desk. It was chilly last night, so I closed the window. A fly was stuck between the window and the screen, so when I closed it, the fly buzzed around, trying to find a way out.

Twice I have opened the skylight to free the prisoner. The fly is so stupid that it didn't even notice and stayed "stuck" up at the top, near the hinge, as far from the opening (freedom) as possible and, still buzzing around looking for an escape. It even, believe it or not, flew down to the bottom, nearest the big opening to freedom, and still couldn't find its way out. Currently it is back up at the top, buzzing insanely. It is dooming itself to death by frantic starvation.

Sometimes I think we people are just as stupid. We don't see opportunities when they are right in front of our noses. And we keep going back to the top (the most stuck position), looking for a way out.

I don't have a particular example in mind other than the endless political shenanigans and all the junk surrounding the goings-on. I think we are all as stupid as flies this time around. I try not to let it get me down. But, I guess I am as stupid as a fly, because I keep going back to the news and hoping for a better outcome.

I hate being this stupid and cynical. Can't wait 'til the election is over!! Then I can pretend I'm smart again.

Those Damn Quilts!

I have a blog reader who says this blog would be great if I could leave out "those damn quilts!" Hahaha! I know what he means, as he is not a quilter nor is he a connoisseur of quilts. (I wouldn't be drawn to a blog on cars, so I think I get his "damn quilts" comment.)

My blog has evolved over the years. I started out just blogging about quilts, and as a new quilter, I had to find my way in that journey. Even my beginnings as a quilt blogger morphed as I grew. With time I was less obsessed at every moment with quilts and found that I wanted to write about normal, everyday things, too. So now that's my blog: a mish mash of quilts, knitting, and stories about my life and my world.

Maybe my "damn quilts" reader will learn a tiny appreciation for quilts, eventually. Maybe my quilty readers won't mind my occasional forays into Deep Thoughts. Jumping between topics suits my ADHD personality, so it works for me. I'm grateful that a few readers have stuck with me and sometimes even leave comments.

Here is a great quote I borrowed from Me and My Quilts...Exploring the Possibilities. I love this quote. I've always felt that quilts are more than just blankets and more than just a bunch of scraps sewn together. This quote pretty much captures it, don't you think?


Feminist artist Miriam Schapiro, in her 1983 essay Geometry and Flowers, asks:

“What is a quilt? Among other things it is the history of women,
a receptacle of passions, attitudes, largess and anger.
It is a reassembling process . . . . It is inspiration, a connection with self,
the dogged will to make something extraordinary in the midst of family routine . . . .
It is also discovering that making something beautiful heals exhaustion.”

An Ideal World

What do you think? Would an ideal world be enjoyable?

Recently my niece and I discussed this… you know how a person will glibly say, “well, when we create the ideal world, this will happen” (politicians will get along, for example).

We began to think about what an “ideal world” would be like. Would we do away with deafness in our ideal world? I asked. Immediately I answered my own question: no! Deaf people have such a beautiful, expressive language and see the world in such a unique, visual way. Most Deaf people that I know would not want to be hearing! Their Deaf world is a beautiful gift for the rest of us to discover, and it has been a joy for me to experience what I can of it.

My niece, who works in the field of autism, said a similar thing. There are so many autistic people who have unique gifts in a particular area (such as math or technology.) Without autism, would that gift be lost? Would their unique personalities be something entirely different without the autism? She, too, has experienced joy as she lives among people with autism. Severe autism… that one she had to think about. Would she do away with severe autism in an ideal world? It is such a difficult condition to deal with!

Or would other people, in our ideal world, be so accepting and comfortable with people of various disabilities, that the severity would be mitigated? The world would, for example, automatically create accessible spaces. The world would operate in such a way that no one would be excluded due to hearing loss, vision loss, physical impairments, or mental illness.

In our ideal world, so many professions would be unnecessary… my own, for example.. sign language interpreting. In an ideal world, at least if you ask most Deaf people, everyone would be fluent in Sign Language. Is that what you think of when you think “ideal world?”

What about poverty and wealth? In an ideal world, would we all share equally? Would some of us accept not being so grotesquely rich? Who would get to live in the mansions, or would mansions even exist?

In an ideal world, do arguments take place? What a boring world, without any debate on issues! We’d still need politicians to set laws such as speed limits, I guess. Or would we? Maybe everyone would just agree to certain limits…. or would we become a bunch of robots (and therefore not ideal)?

Where to draw the line, in creating an ideal world, is very complicated once you begin to really think about it. It’s kind of like time travel: seems nice on the surface, but when you think about all the implications, maybe it’s really not something we want.

I have had these thoughts in my brain for a while, mulling them over. We’re even discussing them at church. We’re starting to read the entire Bible together, front to back (in a “Readers’ Digest” version of the Bible, called The Story.) The first discussion was on Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. Was it really perfect? What was it like? Did God really not want us to partake of the forbidden fruit? Or was temptation part of the plan, knowing that an ideal world would be No Fun!?

I don’t have the answers, but the questions are fun to think about! What would you do away with in YOUR ideal world?